I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
