Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
