I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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