Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
