about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
