when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
