can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
