Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
