11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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