yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
