Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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