you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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