my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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