i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
