Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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