I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
