That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
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