Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Randomize
