If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I've blown a few things in my day
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
