if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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