I CAN MOONWALK!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just invented taco cereal.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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