omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Randomize
