Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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