i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
