Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
