you would pick up someone in the library
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
