Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
