Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
