my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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