Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
