I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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