I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize