i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
