I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
