Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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