I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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