it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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