I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize