Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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