at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
