If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
