So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
