I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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