I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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