Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Randomize
