Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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