Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Randomize
