You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
