Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
We have so much sex to catch up on
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
