It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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