you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
