just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
