just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
