i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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