babies were throwing up all over the place
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
