drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
