Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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