It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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