Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
