This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
