I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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