Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
