tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
