...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
